I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
