Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
