i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
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I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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