If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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