I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
