The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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