he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
