Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
