its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
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had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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