I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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