ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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