I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
