I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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