I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
