i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He has the fingertips of a God
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
