the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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