Jerry, you need to find god
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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