You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
