I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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