One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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