you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
