Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
