I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
time to smoke my breakfast
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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