Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
