It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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