I smell stomach acid.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize