I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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