I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
