guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
