ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
