Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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