I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
