he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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