if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
