How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How's work?
Spinning.
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he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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