Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
