the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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