i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
