The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
