I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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