You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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