PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
