she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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