Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
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If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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