I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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