I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
