it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
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ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
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I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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