I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
