Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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