y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
