This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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