I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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