at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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