I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
