I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
