After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.